In this blog post we talk about making a spouse list to help you find your perfect partner and whether it’s a good idea.

TL;DR: The Summary

Should we have lists for what we want in a partner? I do believe it’s important to be clear on what you want, not to be so closed off that you don’t give people a chance, but to ensure you and a potential partner are in alignment. For example, if God has called you to be a missionary in China, you’ll need a spouse who will either support you or feel that same calling. You don’t have to do the exact same thing, but your spouse should encourage what God has called you to do. I think of Billy and Ruth Graham – he traveled the world preaching and teaching the gospel, and having his wife in his corner made a huge difference. She sacrificed just as much as he did, even though Billy Graham was more on the front lines as an evangelist.

If you’re going to make a list, I think we need to know why you have one. This is not a list about preferences like how much money they make or how they look. Instead, your list should be non-negotiables. Here are some reasons why it’s good to have a spouse list:

1. Clarity on your values
2. Eliminate time-wasting relationships
3. Strengthen your intentions
4. Boost self-awareness
5. Keep you grounded despite emotions

I’m not going to tell you what to have on your list. Everyone has different things they want. Again, this is to guide you so that your list isn’t about superficial things and you don’t miss out on what God may have for you.

Intro

‘Make a list of what you want in your spouse.’ You’ve probably heard this advice before. Perhaps you heard a celebrity say it in an interview, claiming they made a list prior to getting married. Maybe you heard it from a friend who said they prayed over their spouse list every night and soon met the love of their life. However, this ‘list concept’ came to be, most Christian singles wonder, ‘Should I make a list of what I want?’

While there’s nothing wrong with making a list, we have to be careful not to become too rigid about it. The reason is that you’ll be so focused on marrying someone who checks all the boxes on your list that you may miss out on what God has for you. Let me give an example: Most women want their husbands to be a certain height, typically over six feet. However, the average height for a man in the United States is around five feet eight inches or five feet nine inches. So, that means most women are overlooking great potential mates because they don’t meet the height requirement. If I had been adamant about height, I would have missed out on my husband, who is five feet seven inches.

Clarity on your values

Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” It’s sad that we live in a world that focuses so much on looks. Women need to be a certain size, and men need to be a certain height. If he’s not drop-dead gorgeous, he’s not worth it. If a woman doesn’t look like a model, what’s the point in looking at her.

Don’t get me wrong. Attraction is important. Some may argue with this, but I believe God knows what you like and takes that into consideration. However, attraction shouldn’t be what we solely focus on. The Bible says that beauty fades. How you look in your twenties won’t be how you look in your sixties. Yes, take care of yourself, but eventually time will age us all.

Character counts for more

Values need to be key when looking for a spouse. I haven’t been married long, but I will tell you that having a strong foundation will keep you in the tough times of life. Your spouse’s values will matter when you’re going through a difficult season. You need to be anchored in Christ, and so does your spouse. Looks don’t matter when the enemy attacks. What matters is can your spouse take your hand and say, ‘No matter what, we trust God.’

It’s integrity and fear of the Lord that will keep them faithful. You can have the most handsome husband in the world, but if he can’t pray for you, you’re at a loss. Men, you may have the model-looking wife, but if she’s argumentative, the Bible says it’s better for a man to sleep on the roof than be in the same space with a quarrelsome wife.

Do you know your values? What characteristics do you need that aren’t superficial? Your foundation in Jesus is what matters. I once heard a pastor say, ‘Marry for purpose, not passion. If you marry for purpose, your passion will come.’ No, this doesn’t mean to marry someone you don’t love or don’t have chemistry with, just remember that marriage is so much deeper than romance.

Eliminate time-wasting relationships

I don’t know about you, but I wasted some time in dating. Because I wasn’t sure of my core values, I settled for getting into relationships that weren’t conducive to me. I can remember wanting a guy to like me so much that I didn’t speak up for myself. I didn’t want to rock the boat and share my opinion because I thought that would turn him away. Big mistake.

Knowing your core values will keep you from wasting time. For example, if you’re set on waiting until marriage to have sex, you won’t entertain someone who wants a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement or someone who thinks premarital sex is okay. Why? You want to please God with your body, not out of religion, but out of your love for Him.

Compatibility

In turn, you want to meet someone who has that same conviction. When I met my husband, he set the tone for our boundaries. I already knew I wanted to wait until marriage, but when he said the same thing, it cut out a lot of confusion and compromise. We even had a cut-off time in the beginning of us talking on the phone so the conversations had no way of turning inappropriate late at night. See what I mean? He knew his values, and I knew mine, so we weren’t wasting each other’s time.

Another example would be if you don’t want children – there’s no sense in dating someone who wants a large family. No shame in this at all, and no reason to feel bad. If you’re not called to have kids, it’s better to meet someone who wants the same thing, and you two are in agreement. As you can see, having clarity goes a long way and saves time. I will say that if you do make mistakes along the way in dating, God can redeem the time. This is not about doing things perfectly, but intentionally and pleasing God along the way.

Strengthen your intentions

Having a spouse list can also keep you focused and intentional. When I say intentional, I don’t mean you’re going on dates where you’re interrogating the person with fifty-plus questions. No, you’re relaxed and having a good time. You’re open to the possibilities, but again, your standards are in the forefront of your mind.

How long should you give the dates before moving on? I have a friend who has a three-date rule. When she initially met her husband, he was so nervous. Instead of allowing that to turn her away, she gave it another shot. They got married two months after my husband and I did in 2023. While we all want to put our best foot forward, things can happen on the initial date, so keep an open mind.

Communicate intentions

Of course, you can make your intentions known early on. Not so much that you want to marry them, but that you’re dating with the intention to marry one day. That way, they know you’re not ‘dating just to date.’ There’s a clear finish line up ahead, and if you want to continue to pursue something with them to find out, that’s fine. If not, it has nothing to do with your value. They’re simply not the right one for you.

This should bring a lot of Christian singles freedom. The goal of dating is not to see if that person is your spouse right away. Yes, God can reveal this truth early on, but knowing right away doesn’t usually happen. Relax and enjoy the process of getting to know someone special. Yes, be intentional, but have fun and be yourself. You’ll never need to try and impress the right person.

Boost self-awareness

Believe it or not, having a spouse list is not just about you. Can you look on that list and say, ‘I’m all these things?’ I heard another pastor say, ‘Are you the person that you’re looking for?’ For example, if you want your spouse to be financially responsible, is that who you are? You want them to be emotionally stable – what about you? You want them to be a good communicator – how do you communicate?

There’s no sense in putting all the expectations on our future spouses and not even making the effort ourselves. It’s not fair. Our spouse isn’t someone who’s going to come into our lives and solve all our problems. They’re there for us to do life with and grow together. Meaning we need to do our part. You’re a team.

Work on yourself

It’s possible that your list can open your eyes to things you need to work on yourself. This is one of the best things you can do for your spouse – becoming the best version of you. Yes, marriage brings another layer of healing, and God can work through your spouse to help you, but do what’s necessary now in singleness. Has my husband been a blessing to me and helped me grow in some areas? Yes, but I was working on myself prior to meeting him.

God showed me there were things I needed to heal from, and it was better to do it now than wait until marriage. Our heavenly Father loves us so much that He will protect our spouse from the worst version of us. As you make your non-negotiable list, it may be a clue to take a look in the mirror.

Keep you grounded despite emotions

Waiting for your spouse is not easy, and our emotions can get the best and worst of us. Having a spouse or a non-negotiable list will remind you of your why, especially when things get tough. The enemy will lie and make you think you’re asking for too much and wouldn’t it be easier to date someone outside the faith. Having your list will remind you of the importance of having a spouse that loves Jesus as much as you do.

The enemy will make you think waiting until marriage to have sex is unrealistic and an archaic way of living. ‘No one else is waiting, why torture yourself?’ Your standards will remind you that God’s plan for sex is incredible, and He wants you to have the best experience possible. He doesn’t want you to have a soul tie with someone who doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t want you to depreciate your value for a temporary urge. Believe it or not, God wants glory out of your sex life. You can glorify Him in covenant, so don’t let the enemy rob you and have you make a different choice. Even if you’ve crossed the line, God forgives and restores.

Let’s Conclude

The journey may be tough, but having your list can put things back into perspective. You’ll see that you aren’t asking for too much. If you want to please God, He will honor that because you’re sincere in your desires. I remember being told that my standards ‘were too high.’ It was unrealistic to wait for a Godly man who truly loved Jesus and didn’t dabble in the world now and then. No, I wasn’t looking for perfection, but I knew my walk with God was genuine, and I wanted my husband’s to be the same.

I can attest that God overdelivered. My husband lights up when it comes to the Bible. He gets up early to read, pray, and worship God. His walk with the Lord inspires me to get even closer to Jesus. That’s what a kingdom spouse does. They point you closer to Jesus, and that’s priceless.

Over to You

Take some time to reevaluate your list. Is it based on standards or all preferences? Nothing wrong with preferences, but the superficial will only take you so far. You need something solid, and that starts with the person’s relationship with the Lord. It may seem like it’s hard to find, but it is so worth the wait.

Ready to meet some incredible Christian singles? Download the SALT app today and maybe even find your spouse.