Ready for marriage? Here are 6 signs to know your significant other should be your life partner. Can you say yes to all of them?

Finding somewhere to live is no easy task, let me tell you. 

I started out downloading all the property apps, refreshing listings every day, travelling any time a viewing came up – I gave it my all. 

For months. And months…

In all fairness there were properties to view. But every time I left a viewing that seemed ‘promising but missing the mark’ I just wasn’t certain. Should I say I’m interested because I really want to move? Can I live with the things that make me feel unsure right now? Am I being too picky?

I said no, so I kept having to wait. 

Then this new place came up. By this point time was getting short and options even fewer. On viewing, all in all it was ideal. I was quick to note interest but knew that competition was fierce.

The deadline came and went, no news. I started to arrange new viewings, got interested in new properties. 

Then an email arrived. We’d been offered that home. Did I want it?

I really had to take a second before replying to think – is this the one?

TL;DR: The Summary

If finding ‘the one’ when looking for a place to live is hard, then knowing who ‘the one’ is when you’re dating and looking to marry is a whole other level.

There are so many questions, pressures and uncertainty in discerning if the person you’re in a relationship with really is your person. 

And we all want to know that we’re choosing ‘the one’ that God has placed in our lives. But how do you know they’re ‘The One’?

Whether you believe in finding ‘the one’ or not, Christian dating is typically a means to marriage and discerning how you will choose your ‘one’ might feel like an unclear path. 

So let’s explore some questions to consider in knowing this for yourself.

• Are you safe and secure?
• Are you loved in weakness?
• Are you best friends? 
• Are you in the same lane? 
• Are you choosing what you deserve? 
• Are you willing to sacrifice?

Ready For Marriage: Are you safe and secure?

Being at ease with your partner isn’t a sign that you’ve been together too long or the spark has gone – its a sign of deep trust. 

This base of trust, of being known for who you really are by your boyfriend and girlfriend helps you to feel safe and secure in the relationship. 

• Safe to be your true self. 
• Secure enough to let your guard down.
• Seen for the person you are, not who the other person may want to shape you into being.

A good place to start is to ask yourself – Am I really, truly, myself around them?

For example, can you complain about your work day or family member or the person who cut you off in traffic and not feel judged? Your future spouse is your sounding board in life and your place of security for the inevitable difficulties (John 16:33).

Finding the ‘one’ means being free from fear in a relationship. Any and all topics of conversation should be on the table. Any and all versions of ourselves are accepted. Being with your safe and secure person is not a cop out but a necessity for a healthy relationship to last and flourish. 

 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone?

Ecclesiastes 4:11

If you’re not sure, chances are it might be too early in your relationship to judge these things properly. Give yourself time. If you have known each other a while but you feel on edge, take some time to reflect on why this is and whether these things can be nurtured or if you need to part ways.

Ready For Marriage: Are you loved in weakness?

None of us are perfect, but the one we are with should be building us up not tearing us down. 

Do they see your weaknesses as their place to support? Do you see the role of support that you play for them? 

As broken people we will all come into Christian dating and relationships with great intentions and some sort of baggage.

We don’t want our chosen partner to be reinforcing the traumas have experienced or the lies we believe. Instead we want to choose someone who flips the script, who helps us to live in the freedom and fullness of life God calls us to. 

This is some of the amazing healing that comes from true love, by God’s grace. The actions, attitudes, behaviours, even words of someone who is for us and our good can be healing over the wounds of our past and point us to the greater healing and love found in Christ.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

You also will want to consider if your potential ‘one’ can be honest with you and you with them. Do they challenge you in areas so that you can grow? Both in the things you are gifted in and the areas you find harder to move on from.

Truth doesn’t always have to hurt…

 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

If they can’t (lovingly) tell you how it is and you receive this feedback well, then it might be time to  reassess. Also just saying ‘yes’ to you all the time isn’t helpful, because no one gets it right always. It’s all about balance.

Ready for Marriage: Are you best friends?

Now this might feel cliche or a bit childish – do adults even have best friends or is that too high school drama like? 

But the truth is that the Bible has a lot to say about friendship, particularly in Proverbs (and more). Wisdom, it seems, is knowing the value of a real friend: 

A friend loves at all times,

and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Proverbs 17:17

When the person you are in a relationship with is your best friend, where you share deep love and commitment, even in difficulties, you’re on the path to something special.As philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche reminds us – What makes most relationships fall apart is not a lack of love but a lack of friendship.

Now, being in love is wonderful but if you don’t actually like the person for who they are, they aren’t your friend!

To help, consider these things…

Do you or can you see yourself enjoying the mundane things together?

Some of my favourite memories with friends are the days in 2020 lockdown where there really wasn’t much to do but the simplicity of going out for a walk or pressing play on a TV show at the same time on video call brought happiness and fun into a difficult time. In relationships this should be no different. When you’re living together the realities of bills and laundry and meal prep and building flat pack furniture and perhaps even not having lots of money to do ‘entertaining’ things, are all part of the everyday conversations and activities. You want to make sure that you think ‘I’m so glad I’m doing this with you’ and not the opposite.

Do you actually have fun together?

Can you be silly and goofy and play around? Can you watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? and enjoy the friendly competition of who gets the answers right? Or enjoy making up stories of the lives of people you watch passing the coffee shop window? Time with your person should have strong elements of fun, not that they entertain you but that being in each other’s company is mutually enjoyable and light hearted at times.

Are you attracted to them?

This is key. We, I hope, can all call a few people good friends in our lives, even best friends. But in a relationship the fusion of finding the person we’re dating attractive and our friend is a winning combination. Attractive, yes definitely in how they physically appear, let’s not discount this all together… But also in their personality, traits, interests, way with others etc.

The ‘one’ being your best friend is the goal isn’t it? If we are blessed to age old with our best friend, we’ll relish in a real love like this where our outer selves may change but our inner friendship has kept us close over the years. Is the person you’re dating going to get you there?

Ready for Marriage: Are you in the same lane?

When searching for the ‘one’ you’ve likely thought about your suitability – in faith, life, family, values and so on. 

If marriage is really on the cards then we’re edging closer to pre-marriage prep than Christian dating advice here. 

But being in the same lane is a helpful question for those dating with the intention of marriage but maybe aren’t quite at that point yet. You need to think – do you fit?

As Debra Fileta reflects in True Love Dates:

I didn’t have to force it [knowing her husband was ‘the one], manipulate it, cram it in, or make it happen. I didn’t need to change my life goals and dreams, adjust my priorities, repress my morals and values, or completely change my life around. It wasn’t confusing, dramatic, uncomfortable, or chaotic. It was easy, it was natural, and it made SO much sense.

Note – This doesn’t mean finding an identical partner. The aim isn’t to date a godly man or woman who is a carbon copy of you.

Someone who is ‘in your lane’ understands your trajectory in life and you get theirs – everything else finds its way through comfortable compromises. 

If they have a demanding job, does that fit for you? Or do you need someone who is more present daily rather than just on ‘days off’ and so on?

Figuring out where you fit and where you’re comfortable (or not) to compromise will help you find out if they are ‘the one’.

Ready for Marriage: Are you choosing what you deserve?

All of these questions are ways to help empower us to choose our life partner and, importantly, point us to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. 

This comes before all considerations of changing your single Christian status to engaged or more. We need to know and trust the love God has for us and the worth He places on us first.

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honoured, and I love you,

Isaiah 43:4

Real love comes from this place of respect and cherishing of our partner. This is what each of us, what you, deserve. Fight for that person who loves you this way and you can love them in this way in return too. 

Just because someone is a Christian doesn’t always qualify them to being the person you do deserve to be with. Controversial!

It’s okay to be choosy and wait for the person God wants you to choose instead of letting fears (of singleness, of failed relationships etc) override your decision making. 

Often the partner who excites us and keeps us on our toes seems like a good choice, but in a life long consideration might not be what’s best for us. So what does the person you truly deserve look like? I’ve taken some inspiration from Laurie Biedenbender’s list. I might help you as you pray.

The person you deserve:

• Will put Christ, not themself, at the centre of your home.
• Enjoys your ideas, not just your agreement with theirs.
• Laughs at themself more than at others.
• Sees your weaknesses clearly and forgives them wholeheartedly.
• Wants you to develop your gifts, not just help them develop theirs.
• Enjoys your company more than anyone else’s.
• Treats you as God’s precious creation, not their own.

Do we see a theme developing here?

Ready for Marriage: Are you willing to sacrifice?

This is the ultimate question for deciding if the Christian man or woman you’re dating is the ‘one’ for you. 

Marriage is about saying yes to the needs, wants and best interest of the person you have vowed to be with for life. Above your own!

It’s a move away from serving yourself and choosing, each day, to lay down your life for the other. A commitment to put them first always, not just when you feel like it. 

This is the unspoken hardest part of marriage – as you can hear more about here!

It’s also a beautiful vision of what marriage should be and this is the aim in knowing someone is the one right – deciding if you should get married?!

I got some good advice before I got married, from a friend who got it from her priest during their marriage prep. They were reminded not to keep score, a running record of ‘you got this so I get that’ or ‘I did this so now it’s your turn to do something for me’. But instead to be in a self giving posture, to throw away the record sheet, this is where love grows and flourishes. 

It’s worth praying and reflecting on the relationship you’re in and if you feel compelled, led by the Spirit, to give up your selfishness for the good of the person you may choose to partner with for life. 

Because it’s not easy!

Let’s Conclude

Honestly I’ve always thought that, ‘when you know, you know’. 

But our feelings, our hearts, can be deceptive. 

Take time to be sure that the person you choose loves you for your true self and helps you to grow through hard times or historic wounds. The ‘one’ is your best friend who you fancy and can have fun with, where your lives and visions for the future fit in an easy way. 

And most importantly they’re not just ‘okay’ but beyond what you thought you deserve, they inspire you to love well and the decision to serve them through a future marriage isn’t scary but a compelling call on your life. 

Still not sure? Explore more questions. Watch Essential Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Engagement’ on SALT’s YouTube Channel.

Or if you’re hoping to find the one, download SALT and meet amazing Christians today!